Two Years Ago, Today

October 19, 2008
The day I gave a talk in church, known as a "Mission Farewell." The day when all my family from all over had come to Utah to hear me speak. The day I bore my testimony about my Savior, and what we can do to gain a firmer testimony of Him and His mission. The day I sang one of my very favorite hymns, "How Great Thou Art" in praise of my Lord, and my King. The day I said "good-bye" to my friends and family members. The day when I was posed with the hardest question I've ever had to answer, from the person that I now love more than anything in the world. (I loved him then too, I just didn't know how much, the answer clued me in).

"Siri, if I promise you forever, will you stay home?"

I didn't answer right away. I knew I needed time to think, and time was something I really didn't have a lot of. We were sitting in front of the Draper Temple looking at a gorgeous sunset. I thought back on the morning, speaking in church, being so certain of my future, when Germany had seemed so real, so close, just a mere 3 1/2 weeks away, I could almost smell the bratwurst and taste the chocolate. I could imagine the rich German language rolling off my tongue. I had been studying German for years now. I knew how to introduce myself, how to bear my testimony, how to ask for directions and a bathroom. I had all the important stuff down. I was ready. Now, one simple (or not so simple) question could change the course of the rest of my life. Literally, the rest of my life and Eternity. So what was I going to do? I went home that night and cried in my mom's lap for 2 hrs. We talked, we cried, we laughed and cried some more.  I had wanted to serve a mission ever since I was a little girl and really understood what a mission was. It was no surprise to friends and family when I turned my mission papers in, I had been planning on it for years.I yearned to share the source of my happiness with the German people. The funny thing about plans is, they change. And then the realization hit me, I had no idea what I was going to do. I went to the temple for the next couple days, prayed, talked to my parents, talked to a few close friends, prayed and cried. You think I'm joking, but seriously, the tear ducts were overflowing. I learned some incredible lessons that week. What it means to have an answer to your prayers, but more importantly the process of receiving answers to prayers. I realized that the Lord wouldn't hand me my answer on a silver platter. That's not how prayer works. I realized that if I wanted an answer, I needed to make a decision. Great. Back to square one. That was the whole problem, I was afraid of the decision I knew that I wanted. Afraid because I already had one foot out the door and in the MTC. Afraid because I had spoken to my ward, my family and many friends and said goodbye. Afraid because many wonderful people to whom I will be forever grateful, had donated quite a bit of financial support to my mission fund. Afraid because of what my Dad might think or say. Afraid, because how do you make the right decision, when both seem good? And that was the problem. I was afraid. I asked my mom what she would do. And then she laughed. I did too, because I realized that she was faced with the same question 26 years before when she had her mission call, and when she was already in the MTC (nice timing Patcha) and she made the decision to stay at the MTC and continue onto Korea. So naturally I thought I'd hear her say, Siri just go, he can wait, but my dear, wonderful mother said "Siri, make the decision that will make you the happiest, because these are both good things, the Lord will be happy with whatever you choose." And I knew she was right. I was at the Jordan River Temple, standing in the Celestial room, when with tear-filled eyes I somewhat reluctantly told the Lord my decision. "I want to stay home, because I love Michael and I want to be his wife, and I don't think it would be fair to serve the people in Germany when my whole heart is waiting for me in Provo." A smile immediately broke out on my face and I knew I'd made the right decision, the right decision for me. It definitely was not the easiest decision, by any stretch of the imagination. (Reasons will follow). After I made the decision, and had the Spirit confirm it was the right one, there was only one person I wanted to see, obviously. So I left the temple ran to my car, called my Mom and said, "Hey, I'm going to Provo." She said with a smile in her voice, "So, what's the decision." I smiled back and replied, "Um it's pretty obvious, right?" And I quickly followed that with, "Don't tell Dad yet, I need to be the one to tell him." The smile left her voice and she said, "I know." Dad was out of town on business and wouldn't be back for another 3 days. So I had a little bit of time to think of what to say to him. I drove to Provo as fast as the law would let me, called Michael and said, "Can we talk." I showed up at his apartment and he let me in, visibly nervous. We sat on the couch, and with the most impeccable timing ever Michael's roommate Karl comes bounding down the stairs and says, "Hey Michael, do you have any AA batteries? My calculator just died." I started laughing so hard, how could that moment have been any more perfect? I mean we're just about to have the biggest moment of our lives here, no big deal. After Karl left I looked at Michael and said, "I've made my decision, I'm going to stay home, because I love you and I can't imagine leaving you, and I want to be your wife." We were both smiling and couldn't stop. We talked the rest of the night, making plans, and decisions, when, where, etc etc. And then I told him, "I still haven't told my dad yet." His reply, "Oh." Me, "Yeah...could be interesting." We decided that trying to wait until he got home from his business trip would be a bad idea. So I decided to call him. We were going over to TJ and Annaliese's to hang out with them so I told Michael to go in and I would call my dad and be in soon. Or not so soon. I need to preface this with explaining why telling my dad was such a big deal. 1) I'm his first daughter 2) All he ever wanted for me was to not be a teenage bride, to serve a mission, gain life experience, and to marry in the temple 3) He loves me more than I can even comprehend and he only wants the very best for me. Now was that really too much to ask? Our phone call was a lot shorter than I thought it would be. It was tense, and I cried. I told my dad that I'd decided to stay home and he told me that it was not the decision he would've made, but I was going to do what I wanted anyway. I told him that yes he was right, I was going to do what I wanted, and what I wanted was to marry Michael. (My Dad and I are a lot alike, very stubborn and determined). After that, I hung up. I cried some more. I knew he would come around, but the fact that he wasn't immediately excited, hurt. Now I need to say that my dad is my Hero. We've always had a special relationship, I've always been Daddy's little girl. I look up to him in so many ways, and I'm so proud of Him. He's apologized to me profusely, about that phone call. And I've told him that it seriously is totally fine, many many times. He loves Michael and knows that I made the right decision in a husband and at the right time, now when they're on the phone I get cut out of the conversation because they talk business and my brain tunes out, not on purpose...but they're really good friends and they respect each other greatly. Sometimes decisions can be hard, especially when it affects not only you but people around you. For awhile there were some people calling Michael, "mission-killer" I definitely did not appreciate that. I was grateful that he had the courage to ask the question, let alone put up with all the crap he got about it. I had many people ask me how I could stay home? Why I would want to? I hope this story helps clear up the question. When I decided to stay home I honestly never once felt guilty, or ashamed or even sad that I wasn't going to go to Germany, I felt completely at peace, because I knew that I was making the right decision for me. Michael and I were starting an eternal family, and yes it was a good decision. What I've realized since answering that question, staying home, being married and moving away from Utah, is that missionary work is so much broader than being called on a full-time mission. Michael and I have had some incredible missionary experiences in NY already. We also had the opportunity to share the gospel with two couples while we were on our honeymoon. I've also realized that I am serving a mission, I just don't have a name tag. Looking back on the experience 2 years later, it's amazing to think I could have chosen something completely different. It panics me sometimes to think that I almost did, not that the mission would have been a bad experience, because I am absolutely sure it would have been wonderful, but because I can't imagine living my life without Michael. He is my best friend, my confidante, my cuddle buddy, my McFlurry provider :), and the love of my life. He is so many more things to me, and Michael I just want to say, I love you more than anything, thank you for having the courage to ask the most important question I've ever had to answer. I'm so excited to spend eternity with you.